|
|
Feature article
|
 |
|
 |
Lifeblood lacking in lackluster ‘Cirque Du Freak’
By Lane Blevins
 |
“Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant”
½ star (out of 4)
STARRING: John C. Reilly and Chris Massoglia
DIRECTED BY: Paul Weitz
RATED: PG-13 for sequences of intense supernatural violence and action, disturbing images, thematic elements and some language
RUNNING TIME: 1 hour and 48 minutes |
I don’t know where to start. “Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant” is like a perfect storm of abysmal movie making.
First, it’s based on a series of books that hardly anyone knows or cares about. In typical Hollywood fashion, this film was put together based on the success of other franchises like “Harry Potter,” “Lord of the Rings,” “The Chronicles of Narnia” and “Twilight.” But that well has run dry.
We don’t need to see crummy adaptations of every single pre-teen fantasy series in existence. The above mentioned titles were all well and good (some more so than others). But then came a wave of sloppy, pre-fabricated backlot films like “The Golden Compass” and that “Eragon” series movie, of which I can’t even remember the title.
Secondly, “The Vampire’s Assistant” has some of the worst casting you will see. For example, we have John C. Reilly playing some suave vampire. I don’t buy it. John C. Reilly had such a great start in his career. He did a lot of character roles, but he was also featured in relevant movies like “Magnolia,” “Boogie Nights,” and “Gangs of New York.” Now, he doesn’t seem to know what he is doing.
Next in our perfect storm of a lousy movie there is, of course, the overt use of slick computer effects. Like so many others, this movie has lazy, heavy-handed effects that land it somewhere between a cartoon and a live-action movie. What we end up with is a steaming heap that neither kids nor adults will enjoy.
Normally, I put a plot summary in my reviews to give readers an overview of what they are going to see. However, “The Vampire’s Assistant” was so completely boring and inane that I had trouble focusing on it at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure I came out of the movie with a hangover. And I don’t really even drink alcohol!
From what I remember, the film centers on two best friends who can’t stand their ordinary lives, so one night they go to a secret freak show called the Cirque du Freak.
One of the friends wants to become a vampire, so he asks the show’s resident vampire to turn him into one; instead, the other friend gets turned into a half-vampire. So, then the friends are torn apart by anger and jealousy. There was also something in there about “Vampanese” and good blood versus evil blood. I don’t know. I stopped listening.
Oh yeah, there is also a teenage love story in there somewhere involving the half-vampire and a monkey-girl (who is perfectly cute and normal except for the tail she has growing out of her rump).
Other things that bummed me out about this flick include the horrible role that “Almost Famous” actor Patrick Fugit plays. He stars as a whiny, boring teenage snake-boy named Evra who travels with the Cirque but really “just wants to play music.” It was exhausting.
Perhaps worst of all was the pathetic attempt to make the film look and sound “grown up.” The teenagers in the movie all throw out swear words and lament the pains of adolescence in completely boring and clichéd ways.
This picture was like a Disney channel vampire/horror/teen movie that tries and fails to reach any audience whatsoever. I can only assume even the most hardcore vampire genre fans would thumb their noses at this garbage.
Skip this one entirely. Don’t rent the DVD. Don’t throw it in your Netflix queue. But most importantly, don’t drop the money to see it in the theater. You will sorely miss your eight bucks. I know I did.
--------GoTriCities--------
Lane Blevins is an aspiring filmmaker. E-mail him at the-hour@hotmail.com.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
